NEWSRADIO: Everybody Has AIDS
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: Under command of Jimmy James, from the high voulme of accidents, WNYX undergoes testing. Set after Phil Hartman's death. But am thinking of doing the story again, but with Bill and Cathrine as an alternate take.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 _(untitled)_**

(opening music bit)

Joe fiddles with some wires hanging down from the ceiling, attached to a small box on the end.

Dave walks by in a quick fashion.

"Hey Dave."

"Hey Joe."

Joe continues messing with the wires. Dave doubles back with a certain look of terror.

"Oh, Joe, no – this … this doesn't blow up China does it?"

"Only if I wired it wrong."

Dave eyes him seriously with a furled brow.

"Dave, please – nukin' china takes some serious wiring skills and at least ten rolls of duct tape."

"Good. Good. Just remember: WNYX doesn't reimburse you for expenditures on international terrorism.

Joe … out of curiosity … what _does_ 'it' do?"

"It sends out an electric pulse that sterilizes everybody within a five-mile radius."

"Re-"

Max, whom was just passing by, presses the button carelessly. Dave bends over and grabs his crotch.

"Max! What the _hell_?!"

"I just wanted to see if it would work."

"You do realize that if it had in fact worked, it would have made you sterile as well, right?"

"It's gotta be tested eventually!"

"But not on me!"

"Relax Dave, it's just the new SpeakerCom," says Joe.

"You mean intercom," corrects Dave.

"Don't tell me what I know Dave.

The difference between 'inter' and 'speaker' is that the SpeakerCom blares over the entire office. So loud in fact that everyone will hear it, and it cuts back on the installation and parts cost from installing a sender/receiver unit in each office."

"Joe, why would I need that?"

"Well, example A: Matthew is singing so loud at his desk that he can't hear you calling him. Solution? This handy device it pumps out your commands at 50 decibels."

Sarcastically, "Oh, gee Joe – why not just round it off to a hundred?"

"Dave, don't be ridiculous, everyone knows anything about 70 decibels damages the eardrum."

Lisa roll in from off screen on her desk chair and comments, "You knew that, right Dave?"

"Well, I … ah …," in a more commanding tone, "I think the more important question is: show me one good reason to keep it."

Joe turns the box over. Dave folds his arms raising his eyebrows in a cocky manner.

"Gonna press the button," press it down and yells, "FIRE! FIRE! I repeat – this is not a drill!!!"

Everybody stands there. Dave looks around, then back at Joe.

"Well?" asks Dave.

"Give it five seconds."

Dave counts down on his watch, "Five … four … three … two …o-"

WHAM!!! The men's room bathroom door bursts open, toilet paper shooting out. Matthew runs out, pants around his ankles, underwear on and toilet paper streaming from his hands, shouting, "Fire! Fire! Fi-" and trips, landing behind a desk, out of view.

"Sold," says Dave.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 (untitled)

Everyone is seated at the meeting table.

Dave, whom is standing in front, starts, "Thank you for all coming. I trust you heard the announcement?"

"Loud and clear, Dave, in fact I just got a call from the building supervisor that the floors below and above us are cleared to reenter," says Beth.

"Ah, make a note to apologize to them later."

Raises a hand, "Ah, I have a question."

"Technically I haven't announced the meeting subject, but go ahead."

"Can you guys not ever do that to me again?"

"Again, sorry."

"I was in the middle of doing a number two."

"With your pants on?" asks Beth.

"I got to keep thee underwear gnomes out and-"

"MOVING on … Jimmy James has been ordered by his legal medical assistant to have me instruct you all on sexually transmitted diseases. What with all the station's – particularly this floor, Joe – is unusually high number of accidents."

"And fatalities," ads Joe.

"There have been no fatalities,"

Says Dave.

"That's right," replies Joe, "and if anyone asks, you tell them just that."

"Still moving along. So … I guess I'll begin. Does everyone know what a sexually transmitted disease is?"

"Ow! Ow! I read this!" yells Matthew, after his hand shoots up.

"Go ahead, Matthew."

"Is that where you get a virus when you reproduce asexually?"

Dave thinks for a second, seeing everybody's stares at Matthew, and decides not to embarrass him any further, "Yes. Yes it is."

"Yup," says Matthew in a cocky manner, "I reproduced asexually last night. My little lady friend loved it."

Beth snorts and covers her mouth.

"What?" asks Matthew.

"She has a cold," replies Dave.

"Then why is she laughing?"

"It's a funny cold, like … like laughing gas."

"Oh."

"Trying to move on yet again…"

"Dave, did you get any feedback noise while using the SpeakerCom?"

Dave shifts his eyes, obviously annoyed, "No, I don't…" slams the desk with his hands, "good god people! It's been what? Three of five minutes now and all I've said to instruct you was a question! I haven't even taught you all anything yet!!!"

Says Lisa, "I don't know about that, seems you've taught them you don't need the intercom."

"Okay, I can see everyone is having a little trouble concentrating on the subject matter at hand, so Joe, can you bring the learning implements in, please?"

"Sure thing, boss," and leaps up and off.

"While Joe retrieves the learning implements, I'll take questions to open up the floor for brief discussion. Lisa, you have a question?"

"Yes, where are the pamphlets and brochures you said you ordered from the Department of Health?"

"Well, I kind of had Matthew do it since Max was hounding me."

"And?" asks Lisa.

"And Matthew told them we were WNYX, with and _EX_, _and_ misread them the zip code, so I'll be winging it from health class memory and … ah! Joe's back."

Joe sets up a big, wooden tripod and places a thing of flip paper on it. He hands Dave a long pointer and a big-tip black permanent marker; Dave places the pointing wand on the meeting table.

"Okay," flips the paper book open and draws the outline figures of a man and woman, like those found on the bathroom doors in stores. He puts two dots side-by-side, on the woman's chest. They all snicker a little. Dave Begins, "this is a man, and this," he points with the wand, "is a woman."

"Dude, that's a woman?" comments Joe.

"Yes, Joe."

"And those two black Chicklet thingies?"

"Are her boozems."

"Gimmie that," leaps up and draws a big circle around each black dot Dave had made. He sits down after handing the pen back to Dave.

"Well, like I said, these are boozems."

Joe interrupts, "Now they're ba-ZOOM-bas."

"How incredibly sexist, thanks Joe," says Lisa.

"Which, coincidently, will be next week's lecture," Dave smiles as he comments among his non-listening staff.

"You're welcome," replies Joe.

"Max, what are you doing?" asks Dave.

"Taking notes."

"That's great! See, why can't you all follow Max's example? Max, do you have any relevant questions thus far?"

"Ah, yes. From this point on should we refer to those two large circles as '_bazoombas_'?"

"No, in fact," angrily draws a black X over each one, "forget them all together!"

"Boob job," comments Beth.

"Not helping," slams the pointer on the desk.

"Learning implement, Dave?" Beth looks at him coyly.

"Anyway, when two people come together, whether it be a man and a woman, or a man and a man-"

"And a woman and a woman," says Beth.

Everyone looks at her.

"Just covering all the bases."

"What about a _woman_ and a man?" asks Matthew.

"That's the same thing backwards, Matthew," says Dave.

Matthew points both ways with opposite hands, "Oh."

"Like I was saying, when any combination of the sexes come together, if one of them is unclean, the partner can contract-"

"Unclean?" comments Joe, "what are we, Amish?"

"Okay, I see I'm gonna have to do this: the next person who speaks without raising their hand and having me acknowledge them, gets whacked!"

Beth raises her.

Dave takes a deep breath, while looking down. He points at her, "Beth?"

"With the **_sexual_** implement?"

"With the _learning_ implement. Back to the topic. When two lovers engage in sexual activities," he points at the drawings' crotches, "and juices are exchanged…"

Joe snickers.

"…or you have an open wound, you can contract a sexually transmitted disease. Some STDs are incurable, meaning you can die from them, and some can't be stopped by condoms. Some bypass our immune systems. Now, everybody has an immune system. Max?"

"Not me," says Max.

"_Everybody_, Max, has one. Max?"

"I don't know."

"Yes. Yes you do. Max, stop raising you hand. Dave takes a second, then continues, "The immune system. We ALL have one. It's made up of white blood cells," draws a little rounded circle with a smiley face and little sticks for arms and legs, "and they defend out bodies from intruders," draws another one – this time putting teeth, horns, and a pitch fork. He then draws a gun in the hand of the white blood cell.

Matthew raises a hand.

"Matthew?"

"Question: do these white blood cells have any special powers?"

"No, they're more like Batman, Matthew."

"OH," Matthew chews on a pen top, "so they're millionaires?"

"Yes, Matthew, and they ride ponies," deeply sarcastic.

"I though so."

"Okay, let's just cut to the chase. Mr. James has issued free blood tests to all personnel. On the 14th floor. Anyone wishing to have their blood tested should report to the breakroom at 1:00. We have a doctor flown in especially by Mr. James. Meeting adjourned."

Matthew raises a hand.

"Meeting adjourned, Matthew!"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3: (Untitled)

Dave looks about the strangely quite office as he walks to the break room. He opens the door.  
"Hey, you must be that doctor Mr. James flew over."  
Sarcastically, "No, I'm thee Easter Bunny. Will ya do me a favor and just shut the door?"  
As Dave shuts it he says, "Why?"  
"'Cause, if it's left open, wondering DJ flunkies and shock jocks will attempt to engage me in conversation. Say -- that's an awfully good impression you're doing of them there." "Hey -- I'm not a DJ flunky. Though I did once-" "Close enough."  
"I didn't even say anything."  
"Thank god. Now will you do me a favor and plug this in?"   
As Dave takes the plug from the doctor, he comments, "You should really switch to decaf."  
The doc scowls, "Ehhhrrr..."  
"Are you growling at me?"  
"Tell you what Limba, if you don't put a clamp on it, I'm gonna stick ya extra hard with my special long needle."  
"You don't have a lot of friends, do you?"  
"I have a wife; it's a full-time occupation."  
"You know, maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. I'm Dave Nelson, Station director. What's your name?"  
"My name, ManCow, is on a need-to-know basis, and you frankly don't need to know."  
"Technically you had to sign in with building security before getting up here, so I can give them a little ring and-"  
"Oop -– one o'clock -- time to zip it and let them in."  
"You know, I don't really think anyone is coming. I mean, there was no ne lined up, and-"  
the doc opens the doors to reveal all the employees standing in line.  
"Isn't that ... delightfully odd," some of them walk passed him into the room; the doc holds the rest back. "what did you guys do? Pile up at the last second?"  
"It was Max's idea," says Beth.  
"Where is he?"  
"He's doing some paper work; says since he doesn't have an immune system that he wouldn't be able to contract viruses," replies Beth.  
"Hey doc, I don't suppose you could spare that extra bif needle for someone else?"  
Whistles loud; Matthew says, "OW!" and Beth covers her ears, "Listen up underlings: I am here to do one thing and one thing only: take your blood and test it."  
"Actually, that's two thi-"  
Cuts Matthew off, "If you speak again I will do something to do."  
"Like what?"  
The doc roles his eyes, "Something painful."  
"Ow," replies Matthew.  
"Okay, I want you to all line up. You are not allowed to talk, and for the love of god -- the first person to tell a HMO joke, will have their mouth stapled shut."  
"In all fairness," says Lisa, "I don't think-"  
"Listen up, Martha Stewart, the rules have been spoken; obey them."  
Lisa says lowly to Dave, "Martha Stewart?"  
"Who's first?" asks the doc.  
Joe pushes ahead of the line.  
"Me, dude," he says.  
"All right then."  
Joe pumps up and breaths heavy. He tenses a muscle, "Anytime, just bring it on!"  
"Sticks him.  
"Ah!"  
"I thought you said, 'Bring it on!'?" comments Beth.  
"Hey, that needle is extra sharp or somethin'."  
"I'm sorry, who are you again?" Lisa asks the doc.  
"My name is not important, in fact-"  
Jimmy James walks in, "Hey there guys and gals."  
"Hey Mr. James," greets Dave.  
""where's ah ... that new guy at to?"  
"Some distant planet, best I can tell," replies Dave.  
"How deliciously devious. Folks, I want you all to meet Dr. Perry Cox; operated on me once. Did a bang-up job," rocks Cox back-and-forth with a hand on Cox's left shoulder.  
"Dude -- that's an awesome name," says Joe.  
"Cox, eh? So, Percival, you ready to get back to stickin' then there needles into these good folk?"  
"Jimmy, is it all right if I murder one of your employees?"  
Pats Cox on a shoulder, "Only id you patch him up."  
"Mr. James, why him?" asks Dave.  
"He saved my life. He's a heck of a talented doctor, and extremely blunt; I love bluntness, Dave."  
"I haven't had a raise in over a year."  
"Not that blunt."  
Lisa, after rolling up a sleeve, "So you flew all the way up here because you like to help people?"  
"He's paying me money, lots and lots of money?"  
"But you still like to help people, right?"  
"In-between making all that mullah, ummm..."  
"So Dave, why isn't that new guy-"  
"Max."  
"Why isn't Max doing this again?" asks Mr. James.  
"He thinks he doesn't have an immune system and thusly doesn't believe in getting tested."  
Moves in close to Dave, "Can I see you outside?"  
"Sure."  
"Dave and Mr. James step outside of the break room and Dave closes the door.  
"He's got to be tested, Dave."  
"Is there something wrong?" asks Dave.  
"Let's just say I'm testing everyone for something more than STDs."  
"Oh, sir ... asbestos?"  
"No."  
"Radiation poisoning?"  
"Not at this building."  
"Ah ... lead paint?"  
"Nah -- we had that cleared before you got here."  
"This mystery thing won't make me sterile, will it?  
"Nah ... nah," contemplates for a few seconds while looking down; he then looks back up, "I don't think so."  
"I'm gonna have to buy a pair of lead underwear from Lex Luthor, aren't I?"  
"Never mind that, Dave, just tell me where Max is."  
"Let's see ... he could be under his desk..."  
""Great," and just as he is about to turn around, Dave continues.  
"...or under my desk, or hiding under Matthew's desk with Matthew, or in the men's room standing on a toilet, or continuously riding the elevator until lunch."  
"Is that all?"  
"Oh, and he's recently taken into hiding in the ceiling. Joe found him there the other day."  
"What was Joe doing in the ceiling?"  
"Probably installing the SpeakerCom."  
"What's that?"  
""I'll tell you later."  
Mr. James looks at him for a couple of second, then says, "Anyone ever tell you you guys live unfathomably bizarre lives?"  
"It's occurred to, yes."  
"Slaps him on a shoulder, "Well, as long as you don't go jumping off of a ledge about it, we're fine. Now go back in there and give them some old WNYX moral, and I'll go find Dax."  
"Max."  
"Should probably get him a name tag."  
...   
...   
"Cox rubs his eyes while taking deep, calming breaths.  
"...and I haven't pooped in a week and the week before that I think there was blood in my stool. Usually it's just brown or green, but on Valentine's Day I ate a whole bunch of those pink Easter bunny shaped marshmallows and it came out pink ... so, if that's not normal..." says Matthew.  
"It is if you're Barbie," says Dr. Cox.  
"You know what, maybe I should just give you a stool sample. OW!!!" screams Matthew.  
"My bad," says Dr. Cox, "I just have accidentally missed the vein," eyes them all evilly, "let that be a warning to you all."  
They all grab their forearms.  
Dave walks in. He stands still; he shifts his eyes left, then right.  
"Well ... this isn't in anyway abnormal. What is everybody doing?"  
"Dude, he stuck him three times," says Joe.  
"But you've already had your shot."  
""I know, and this was painful to watch."  
...   
...   
"Mr. James knocks on the top of Dave's desk a couple of times.  
"Max?"  
"Shhh ... Max is hiding," comes a quite voice.

"Well, tell him I found him."

"Hey, he found you -- Mr. James!" Max pops his head up, "how'd you find me?"

"Well, I wanted to say something poetic like, 'Know you're enemy to know thyself', but really I was just looking under desks and started with Daves'."

"Oh. Sounds logical. Hey, if I were searching for you, where would I start, Mr. James?"

"A big pile of money, like on Ducktales. Son, why aren't you getting tested along with the others?"

"I don't have an immune system, plus," leans over to Mr. James, "needles really, really hurt."

"Son, everyone's got an immune system."

"I don't."

"Pretty sure you do."

"I've never had a virus, so I must not have one. I guess that makes me special..."

"In a way ... but you still got to get tested."

"Why? Sir -- the needles -- they're like this _long_," shows with his hands.

"Well, you see ... there's this new, eh, virus going around that fools your body into thinking it has an immune system."

"But I thought you said everyone has one."

"Some don't; we were just making extra sure you didn't have one before we tested you."

"Oh. So I gotta get pricked by the big needle?"

""Afraid so."

"All right. Will you hold my hand while I do it?"

"Heck no, I'm gonna be as far from that needle as possible. Things give me the heebie jeebies."

Back in the Break Room.

"It's not purple," comments Matthew as Dr. Cox loads ass the blood tube into a carrying case.

"All right, I'm gonna take that to the nearest lab and process them myself; god willing I'll be done with you all and back in my bed before **_Seinfeld_** comes on."

"Don't worry all -- it's just a precaution; I assure you you all got nothing to worry about."

A few hours later.

Dr. Cox hands Matthew his test results, "You have AIDS."

"What?!" exclaims Lisa.

"No, that's impossible," says Dave.

"Told you he was blunt," says Mr. James.

Matthew laughs, "There must be some mistake."

"How?" asks Lisa.

"The machine must be screwed up or somethin'," comments Joe.

"Listen to yourselves -- could you be anymore insulting?" Beth reprimands them.

"You're right," says Dave, "I'm sure Matthew gets plenty."

"Plenty of what?" asks Lisa.

"I'm sure it was just a testing error, probably due to the outdated machinery and limited access time to the lab. I'll retest and fax the results to you. I got a plane to catch."

"Safe trip back Perry," says Mr. James.

"Hey doc -- don't leave us in stitches!" Dave shouts out to a quickly departing Dr. Cox.

Without turning around he yells back, "Take two big pills of I don't Give A Damn and call me in the morning."

Matthew, looking confused says, "What about me? What do I take?"

"Consolation in Jesus?"

"Joe, that's not funny. And Matthew, you don't have AIDS," says Dave.

"How do you know?"

"Let's just say I'm fairly positive..."

"What a coincidence," says Joe, "'cause it turns out Matthew is also positive-"

"Hey Joe, can you go adjust the SpeakerCom? I like it loud, but not that loud, and also there is a little reverberation."

"Why have you not told me this until now?"

"Gee, I was kind of had things to do. Can you fix it?"

"Does Area 51 exist?"

"I'm gonna say yes."

"Damn straight it does," replies Joe.

Dave, in a jolly tone, "Then go fix it," and turns to Lisa, "Lisa, have you seen Max?"

"I don't know. He was getting tested one second and was gone the next when I turned around."

"But he did get tested?"

"I saw it myself."

"Good. Have you seen Mr. James?"

"Well, he was just here..."

"Mr. James was right -- we need bells around our necks."

"Very funny, David. I think we already know for who the bell tolls," says Matthew.

"For _whom_."

"I'm dying and you're correcting my grammar?! I hope you get AIDS too!!!" and runs off. Dave peruses.

"Are you going to talk to him? asks Lisa.

"Ah, no, no. Where ever he's going to hide, I'll probably find Max."

As Dave walks off, Lisa nods her head and turns around to head back to her desk. She jumps in surprise to see Mr. James.

"Oh, Mr. James, Dave was just looking for you. Where were you?"

"Lurking. Watching the madness. It's like a car wreck; you just can't look away, even though there are bodies and blood, and all kinds of twisted stuff and puddles."

"There is the sound of an electrical socket failing and Joe's voice from the ceiling.

"_Damnit!_"

They both look up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: (Untitled)**

Dave walks to the elevator quickly. He impatiently presses the button. The doors open and he steps in quickly.

The guy at the buttons says, "Which floor, sir?"

"Lobby, please," and Dave stands there and breaths quick breaths, then thinks, "wait a second, we don't have an elevator man. Max!"

"Do you still wanna go to the lobby?"

"No, I _don't_ want to go to the lobby! Where did you get that red coat?"

"I found it."

"You mean you stole it."

"Only temporarily, which is more like borrowing."

"Never mind, I'll call Lost & Found and see if anybody's missing a coat. Max, _why_ are you here?"

"Why is anyone here, Dave?" says Max.

"Rhetorics and everyone else aside, why are _you_ here?"

"I'm hiding."

"From?"

The door opens and a couple of people step in.

"The test results."

"There's nothing to worry about, they came back clean."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?"

"What?" confused.

"You could be lying, trying to trick me out and WHAM! Tell me I'm dying and fired!"

"You know what, you're right Max, I'm probably lying. Just like I'm probably lying when I say I _didn't_ cut the elevator wires."

The two people look at him.

"Hi, Dave Nelson, WNYX, Station Director," offers his hand, which nobody shakes.

One of them presses a button for a earlier floor.

"Then how would you survive?" asks Max.

"I'd jump at the last second, and they'd cushion my fall."

"I just remembered … I left my lunch in the break room."

"Wise decision my friend," says Dave.

The doors open and the two people exit quickly.

…

…

Beth walks into the break room. Matthew is gulping down a big piture of dark green liquid. She sees Joe standing, watching.

"Matthew, what is that?"

"Joe made it for me, It's a herbal supplement. Supposed to fight the AIDS."

"Ah huh…" moves over next to Joe and says in a low voice, "what is that really?"

Joe replies, "Ginger ale, rollaides and some green tea. I borrowed your green tea by the way."

"Isn't that a little cruel?" asks Beth.

"Peptobizmol would be cruel but I couldn't find any. Besides, we all know he's fine, so why not have a little fun with it?"

"I could use my nail polish and paint a bullion cube pink and tell him it's a suppository," suggests Beth.

"That is excellent thinking," says Joe.

"Back to work, both of you!" Dave commands at the entrance of the break room.

"Fine," Beth walks off, looking a bit annoyed.

Dave shouts out to them, "And there'll be no shoving things up anyone's rears here," and shuts the door and turns around to face Matthew. "Okay: Max, you have to get back to work. I need those articles by Friday. And Matthew: while you don't do much, you still do something and I need that done; you don't have AIDS, so do it."

"I don't?" asks Matthew.

"He's lying, he practically told me himself," says Max.

"I am not, and the first person to contradict me is fired. Is that understood?"

They both reply, "Yes."

"No, when we leave this room I expect both of you to go to your desks and do what I told you to."

"I have to actually go to the bathroom," says Matthew.

"Fine, but after that, work."

"I have to go to the bathroom too," says Max.

"All right, but no standing on the toilets."

"I don't have to go anymore."

"GO!" yells Dave, who then points. They both scurry off.

Dave takes a second before exciting. He heads for the coffee machine and pours the last pot into this cup. He jiggles the pot upside down for the remaining drops; contemplating licking it for every last bit of sustenance.

"Dave," calls Lisa.

"Just one cup, it's all I ask," he begs.

"Here's the article on state fundraising malpractices. You okay?"

"I'm just mentally exhausted, thanks. I'll look it over later. By chance, have you seen Mr. James?"

"Earlier after you left, but not since. I guess he left."

"All right, thanks."

Lisa nods her head and walks back to her desk. Dave walks over to the SpeakerCom unit and presses the button down, "Beth, coffee," he voice booms over. He walks through the mess of desks to his office. He shuts the door and walks around his desk. He eases into his chair and then takes a gulp of the coffee. He sets it down and leans back.

A few seconds after he closes his eyes a forceful knock comes at the door.

"Come in."

The building security guard who had repeatedly stopped Bill McNeal from entering years earlier, steps in.

"Oh, hey … ah…"

"Loc."

"Hey, Loc."

"Dave Nelson?"

"Yes. Is something wrong?"

"Did you tell the occupants of an elevator you cut the wires?"

"No! I mean, yes, but I only said that to get a stubborn employee out of the lift and back to work."

"And the false fire alarm?"

"Yeah, again – I'm sorry about that. Did you get the apology note?"

"Apology not accepted."

"Was it not sincere enough?"

"You know, I ran up and down 15 flights of stairs because we aren't allowed to use the elevator during a fire."

"Ohhhhh ….. I'm so sorry. Here' take some money for lunch – to re-energize you, not bribe."

Mr. Loc grabs the cash.

"If it happens again, you're gonna see me angry. And you don't want to see me angry."

"Why? Do you turn green like Bruce Banner?"

"No, I sweat and turn red. Who the hell is Bruce Banner?"

"Never mind. It won't happen again, I promise."

The guard points at him in a warning way and walks off back to the elevator.

Beth catches the door to Dave's office before it shuts, "Ahhh, Dave, you better come out here."

"Beth, can it wait? My coffee is getting cold."

"It's Matthew."

"Oh, what now? Is he working? Because I gave him strict orders-"

"Oh … he's working all right."

"It's bad, isn't it?"

"Lawsuit potential."

"I'm coming."

Just then there are some loud noises from the ceiling.

"That's not Max is it?"

"No, he's at his desk."

"Good, let's go," and walks out the door Beth is holding open – even though it doesn't shut on it's own. He casually makes his way to Matthew's desk. He chugs the coffee with audible gulps and pulsing Adam's Apple.

"Hey Dave – fixed the SpeakerCom," says Joe as he passes him.

Dave reaches Matthew's desk and exhales a burp, then speaks, "Matthew, what are you doing?"

"Writing an article."

"On?"

"AIDS."

"But you don't know anything about AIDS."

"Oh, poor, ignorant David; I have it, I think _I_ would know."

"But you don't know any facts."

"Well, then I'll just copy them out of a book."

"That's plagiarism."

"What's that?"

"Not good. Tell you what, why don't you write an article about local shelter's cats."

"Oh no!"

"What?" asks Dave.

"What if I gave my cats AIDS?"

"Then I'd be looking at you in a rather strange, strange way. Besides, for the hundredth time – you don't have AIDS."

"What ever," replies Matthew in a nonchalant tone.

"You don't have it, and no one in the office believes you do. The retest results should be faxed in anytime now and you'll see."

"And if they come back the same?"

"It'll be somewhat bewildering, but yes – then I'll believe you do. But start thinking up some ideas, okay Matthew?"

"Um hum."

Dave walks over to the coffee station and pours another cup.

"A second cup, so soon?" asks Beth in a drool manner.

"What can I say – I'm worth it."

"I'll get that," she walks off to answer a ringing phone.

Dave takes a lengthy sip and cherishes the flavor. He rests his butt against the edge and look around at the order he has restored.

He waits a few seconds to see if anything happens. Nothing.

When sure of no more, he brings the cup up for another sip. Just as he is about to bring his lips to it, a piece of ceiling tile plops in – splattering his face with hot coffee.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: (untitled)

Beth picks up the SpeakerCom unit and presses the button down, "Ki-ki-ki … ma-ma-ma…" and then looks around for a reaction.

"You know," comes Joe's voice from the ceiling; he leans his head out, "Not many people know how to say it right. How'd you?"

"Read an interview with the composer. Do you think you can channel VH1 through this thing?"

"Only if we want the office to become extremely gay."

Matthew, whom has wondered over, attempts to grab the SpeakerCom, "Can I try?"

"No," says Joe.

"Why not? I'm dying, come on!"

"Then you should be doing better things with your last years than trying to fudge-up my masterpiece that is the SpeakerCom."

"I'm going to call those Make-A-Wish people and make them force you to let me use it."

"I'll activate the built-in self-destruct unit."

"Just to keep me from using it?"

"It'll go to a far better place," says Joe.

"I'm gonna use it; sooner or later your back will be turned, or you'll be taking a wiz, and wham! The day will be mine."

"Touch it and I'll kill you," nods his chin up.

Matthew laughs in a taunting manner, "Already dying my friend, already dying."

"How would you like to die painfully?"

"Okay!" Lisa gets between the two, "everyone back to their respective corners. I mean it, I'll call Mr. James."

"All right, but we both have to leave at the same time," says Joe.

"Oh, come on…" says Lisa.

"He might touch it," says Joe.

"I'm gonna touch it."

"You better not put your hands on it."

"Oh, I'm gonna do it, and it's gonna feel goooood…"

"Touch what?" asks Lisa.

"My unit," replies Joe.

Beth snorts, "We have got to get you two into the booth and record this."

"What, this?" Lisa holds up the SpeakerCom.

"Watch out – his unit might blow!" and with that Matthew drops to the floor and covers his head in a duct-and-cover maneuver.

"Dude, you are do gay," says Joe, looking down on Matthew.

"Joe, you can go ahead and go, I'll watch the SpeakerCom," says Lisa.

"All right, I trust you, but remember: if he touches it, I am to be informed immediately so I can implement the ass kicking that will be his punishment."

"Right, unnecessary, ostentatious threat, got you," replies Lisa.

Joe nods his head and walks away.

"Beth, don't you have some typing to do or something?" Lisa asks her.

Beth pops her gum, "Sure," and walks off as well.

Lisa turns around and after a split second of search, looks down, "Matthew, what are you still doing down there?"

"Fascinating. This is what an Ewok sees al day long. How do they reach peepholes?"

"Maybe they have them installed further down."

"Ewww…" he stands up, "I didn't think of that."

Dave, whom stopped by moments earlier to listen, looks at Lisa funny.

"I know, why don't you go to our desk and write a piece on what it's like to be an Ewok," she suggests to Matthew.

"That's a great idea!" and he walks off quickly.

Lisa watches him off.

"Ahhh … Lisa, you **_do_** know what an Ewok is, right?"

"Some kind of short person; midget?" she says, totally unaware.

"It's a small alien creature from Star Wars that looks like a teddy bear."

"Damnit … Matthew!" and she dashes off to his desk.

Dave sips his coffee and walks over to Beth's desk.

"Beth, did you make sure to file those TPS reports?"

"Are you **_still_** obsessing about that movie?"

"Sometimes I love it more than coffee."

"You could use some professional help."

"Yeahhh, that would be great…"

She groans.

"Hark – do you hear that?" he asks her.

"Hear what?"

"Nothing; not a darn thing. Not Joe fumbling with his newest technical gadget, no Matthew incessantly chatting, and not even Max reporting back to me on how many ceiling tiles there are in the men's bathroom."

"Well, I could always play you the answering machine messages from angry building employees who had to walk down 13 stories."

"You don't want me to be happy, do you?" comments Dave.

"Dave, happiness is a vernacular facade that covers up how truly we all are. Those who deviate from it need to be brought down a notch."

"Say, that word-a-day calendar is already paying for itself," and sips his coffee in a way of superiority as he walks off.

…

Matthew stands at Max's desk. Max tries to ignore him. Matthew starts tapping on it softly. Max gives in.

"Do you mind?" he says, annoyed.

"Mind what?" asks Matthew.

"What do you want?"

"You believe I have AIDS, don't you?"

"Welllll … not really."

"Why?"

"Not to be rude or anything, but you just don't seem like the type."

"Blood type?" asks Matthew.

"If you really had it, you'd be sick and unable to work."

"Maybe I'm a fighter."

"It must be rubbing off, 'cause I feel like beating you up. I'm kind of busy, so if you could just Sautez out a fenêtre."

"What does that mean?"

"It's French for go look it up and let me work!"

Matthew wonders off to Beth's desk.

"Hey, Matthew."

"Hey Beth. Have those test results come in, per chance…" kind of trails off uneasily.

"Let me check," slides over in her chair to the fax machine and looks, "no, not yet."

"What's taking them so long? No one will believe me. I need proof, and Joe's drink hasn't made me feel any better; though I have burped a lot."

"Maybe that's the AIDS trying to escape," she says.

"Really?" enthusiastically.

"No. You can't believe that which is impossible. Therefore you do not have AIDS."

"Why won't anyone believe me?"

"When you said you were abducted by aliens, I thought it was feasible; when you said you cat ate it's own poop, barfed it up and then ate it again, I believed you; and when you said Bill was probably on some island, I at least wished you were right, but this just isn't one of those times, Matthew."

"Well, I don't understand; why can't it be?"

"Never mind that _whys_ and _hows_, I'm just glad out involve you _not_ dying."

"But I feel like I have AIDS."

"You also felt like you had Anthrax and Mad Cow Disease."

"Those were never disproven," he says.

"Ahhh, but they were never proven either."

"Touché."

"So just go back to your desk and write an article on how good it is to be alive."

"And you'll let me know if that fax comes in?"

"Dave actually has dibs on that, but you'll definitely be second."

"All right. Thanks Beth."

"Welcome."

Matthew walks back to his desk on the otherside of the office. He passes Dave, who is looking at the booth and watching Max, whom has just started reporting.

"Ow, Matthew – have you seen Mr. James?"

"No, not for a couple hours or so. Why?"

"I needed to talk to him," says Dave.

"Oh. You still don't think I have AIDS either, do you?"

"No more than Max having not immune system."

"Then I guess I'm just gonna have to scream it from the roof top."

"Those doors are locked to non-building maintenance, but you're welcome to scream from the roof of your own house," with a devilish smile.

Max suddenly catches Dave's ears.

"…and in late breaking news, there is a virus causing people who do not have immune systems to think they do."

Lisa spins around in her chair and looks at him, then Dave.

"MAX!" and bangs on the booth windows.

Max speaks quickly into the mic, "Well be right back after a word from out sponsors," and takes his earphones off," what?"

Dave opens the booth door, "Max, get out here! Lisa, take over."

Lisa jumps up and heads quickly into the booth.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Warning the public at general about the new threat!" replies Max.

"Who the heck told you this bunk?"

"Mr. James bunkified me!"

Dave stumbles in speech, to pissed off to make words. It's then that Matthew voice suddenly booms over the office, "I have AIDS! I have AIDS! I have AIDS!"

"Matthew!" Dave yells.

Joe drops down from the ceiling and starts tackling Matthew.

"Awww! That hurts."

"Time to die, dude," says Joe.

"Joe!!! Get off Matthew!!! Joe!!!" a furious Dave commands.

"Deny it all you want boss, but I don't have an immune system. So there!!!" yells Max, trying to compete with the already loud ambient noise of screaming.

Lisa runs from the booth and attempts to pull Joe and Matthew apart," Everyone just calm down!"

Joe puts Matthew in a head lock.

"Lisa! We have dead air!" says Dave.

"Damnit," and she runs back into the booth.

"Joe, you stop it or there's no bonus this year! Not even a gift card!"

"Dave!" calls out Beth.

"Beth, this better be important, I'm in the middle of … _some _thing."

"It is!"

"When I come back, you two better not be head locking," and walks away quickly.

"It was wondrous, and I'd do it again! Awww!!!" says Matthew in pain.

"Well, the AIDS may not get you, but Joe probably will," Max comments while looking down on them.

Mr. Loc, the security guard, exits the elevator and heads for the mess.

Dave walks back, "Matthew, you don't have AIDS; this fax just came in for you," and hands it to the tackled Matthew.

"Oh. My mistake. Ow!"

The security guard speaks, "I want to know whom is responsible for screaming they have AIDS."

"Him," and Dave points at Joe.

"All right, get up; you're coming with me."

"Dude, I swear it wasn't me," says Joe.

"Then you're going for assault."

"It was me then."

"And when I come back, I want the damn device dismantled," warns Mr. Loc.

"Awww, man – my baby!" says Joe.

The officer leads Joe to the elevator.

Matthew gets up, "Well, I guess I look like a horse's face."

"Ass," corrects Dave.

"No need for name calling, David," and Matthew walks off.

Dave turns about, "Max, you ever had a cold and gotten over it?"

"Yes."

"Congratulations: you have an immune system."

"Ow," looks down, some what disappointed.

"So, back to work," says Dave.

"Okay…" and mopes away.

"Walks over and pours himself some coffee. He sips it and casually makes his way to Beth's desk, "Well, it's 4:20, Matthew conclusively doesn't have AIDS and I some how managed to keep my virility. Beth, hold the rest of my calls, will ya?"

"Sure thing."

And with that he walks into his office and shuts the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: (untitled)

The lights from the office ceiling shine through the checkered air-duct panels into the area atop the ceiling panels. There, Joe and Mr. James stare down into the poff8ice.

"So, ah, this is a typical day at the office?"

"Pretty much."

"Fascinating. You got anything to eat or drink around here?"

"Yeah, there's Pringles and Pepsi above Dave's office. So, Mr. James, what were you testing us all for?"

"The truth?"

"I'm gonna find out eventually anyway."

"There may have been some problems – a tainted batch or something – of Jimmy James brand coffee."

"You make coffee now?"

"Oh, I was just experimenting."

"Really? What are the side effects?"

"I don't know … sterility or something."

-THE END-


End file.
